Disclaimer: I just want to warn parents about this school. These are my personal experiences. I hope this appropriate for this subreddit.
My class teacher just destroyed me. She broke my spirit. And I don’t think I am ever going to get over it. When I dared interrupt her conversation with another teacher, she got down on her knees shook me by my shoulders, screamed into my face. When I would ask a question she would make fun of me and not say anything if other children joined in. I remember in show and tell I was so eager to show my object and she just screamed at me and said “you think you’re so important”. I was so happy and so eager to earn. I had such a lust for life. I remember I was singing to myself as class was getting started and she screamed at me to be quiet. Not a nice little “okay class is starting please be quiet”, literally, screaming for me to shut up. It’s no wonder I survey my every movement, worried someone could be offended. I learned that these innocent little things could inspire such a ruthless wrath and punishment.
It just hurts so much. I can’t keep living like this. She just didn’t like me and she deliberately bullied me and encouraged others to as well. It’s as if I reminded her of someone she didn’t like and she took it out on me. And I was literally just an innocent child. I was 6 years old when I met her and had my life ruined forever.
She completely condoned bullying against me, because it was part of my “karma”. I have been filled with shame and deep seated, essential feelings of inferiority since my stupid mother naively put me in her care at the “pretty water color nature walk school”. It makes me so so sick. It is disgusting. Everyday I would go to school in the second grade and I had to endure endless abuse from these two particular boys who she sat me with. I asked repeatedly to be moved, and she wouldn’t move me. It’s like she delighted in their torture of me, it was fun for her to watch. She liked seeing me get what I deserved.
I just accepted that I was stupid and would never learn to read. That I was fundamentally defective. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen exactly, I just assumed I would never read. It was this deep hopelessness and a loss of any belief in a future. Because I really lost myself and my belief in my ability to do anything really, and I have never gotten it back. That’s what’s so “life ruining” about all this.
All of this could have been avoided if I had just been sent to public school. And money could have been saved too. And it doesn’t matter how many things I conquer, it doesn’t matter if I can read in three languages or how many degrees I have, I am always going to be that eight year old girl who cannot read who has to be held back a year.
And that’s who I still am on some level. I have been trying my best not to stick out. I don’t dare utter a word or even socialize normally. I never made a single friend in high school or college. I am pathologically shy, because, I live in fear of the other shoe dropping. I haven’t seen this woman in over 15 years, but she taught me that if I am myself, if I let go, if I am happy and excited in public, well, I’m opening myself up to ridicule and public humiliation. I am always on the look out for ways I could be humiliated. It is so exhausting.
I cannot stand the stupid meaningless waste. This shame and self loathing feels so burnt into my soul… Its the worst thing about me and one of the most essential. I’m never going to get away from it. It doesn’t matter what I do. This unending shame and self hatred. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, like it’s my fault somehow. I should have been different, I shouldn’t have stuck out. I should have conformed more, maybe she would have left me alone.
I really think she picked on me, in part, because I was not just going to neatly comply. I was never one to just follow the rules, in my nature. But of course she was so successful, that’s essentially what she’s turned me into. Someone who keeps their head down, who would rather die than draw any attention to themselves.
A person can only stand so much!!! I can’t only take so much. I can only take so much shame and so much loneliness. For someone who is actually extraverted the repercussions of Waldorf have been particularly insufferable. I have lived an excruciatingly lonely life. And I have waited and waited for it to get better, for things to get back normal, for “me”, to get back to normal, to be my old self again. It’s so devastating to know that you have not been “you’re old self” since you were five.
I can only take so much, I can only live like this for so long. I can’t stomach it any longer. I’m done.
I read a parent’s account from Waldorf Watch of how she feels her daughter was treated at Waldorf
“ She was a beautiful flower which, with the proper care, could have bloomed and turned her face to the sun, but they only saw her problems so she sits alone wilting in the dark.
She was different, but to them every child should be treated alike. There is no extra protection for the sensitive, easily hurt child. She must deal with her karma alone and if she falls then that is her fate ... They could not love her for what she was. They saw only a "problem child". “
That is exactly what happened to me. I feel wilted. Just this deep sadness that feels like this weight that I will never be able to lift. And I have been fighting against it for so long and I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I can’t tell you how exhausted I am. You can only fight it for so long, and I can’t do it anymore and I won’t. There is no hope for me. If a flower has not had sun and has tried out and died, there’s nothing anyone can do for it. The problem was in the cultivation and you cannot go back and fix it. It’s over.
I’ve been trying so hard to move past this. I’m on medication now and am in the throws of trauma reprocessing therapy and I often have really bad days where it just feels like my life is over and ended before it even started. I feel like a ghost or something, I feel like the real me died 100 years ago and can never be recovered and I’m just a ghost haunting about…. I just want to warn people about this horrible school because I wish my parents had been warned. I wish I could have been saved. It’s so crushing that my family put me into these people’s hands, you know? And on top of all that its so expensive!! Really people save your money for college or literally anything else.
Submitted May 01, 2021 at 04:08PM by vielpotential https://ift.tt/3vEXcvz
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