Should I go back to school?

I'm currently 20 years old. I dropped out of high school (3rd year) two years ago, at 18, due to my deteriorating mental health. Today, I am still not mentally stable. In fact, I'm sure I'm worse than I've been when I dropped out. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I'm self-harming. I'm contemplating suicide. I'm drinking on a near-daily basis. I live with and depend on my mum. I don't have a social life. I don't have any particular goals. All in all, I don't have my life together at all. My life is nothing but a joke.

I've been struggling with social anxiety my whole life and depression since I was 11. I've been to therapy since I was 16. I've taken medication. I've had several therapists. In the end, it obviously didn't help much since I am where I am right now.

Staying home and being unemployed was, for sure, the best decision I've ever made in my life. It brought me so much serenity and time to focus more on my own creativity. At least, that's what I think...

I feel my life slipping away. I don't have a job nor am I seeking one. I just feel like I have no purpose in life. I'm not very productive because I struggle with motivation. I don't do chores. I don't go out. I don't have friends to hang out with. (Not that I had any when I was still in school due to my social anxiety.)

I hate the educational system. I hate it with a passion. I hate the idea of a piece of paper validating my worth and deciding what I'm capable and incapable of doing. I hate it. This system is not a good fit for me since I'm autistic and have learning disabilities. It's too strenuous. I've always struggled to follow a schedule and wake up early to sit at school for 6-7 hours each day. I never liked to study. I've never been a great student who achieved high results. At some point, I've even been failing my classes. But for the last couple of weeks, I've been in a dilemma. I've been thinking of what if.

What if I had graduated and gone to university? What if I had just tried harder, both with my studies and establishing connections? Would my life be any better? Would I have found my purpose yet? Would I feel better about myself? Would I have a life worth living?

I've been having this dilemma and I don't know even why. I feel like I'm being ridiculous knowing how much I hate the educational system and how much I suck at school. I literally don't know what to do at this point. I'm sure I'd feel embarrassed as hell if I, a 20-year-old, returned to school and sat with 17-year-olds though. I'd probably still let my social anxiety get the best of me and not allow myself to establish any connections with my classmates or anyone at all. Generally, I just feel it's too late. Too late in terms of my age and my mental state. It's too late to save myself from the hole I've dug over many years.

I just... I don't know. I feel desperate for any thoughts and advice. I'm completely lost. Maybe I should have just ended my life already. It would have been the easiest solution.

Note: Classes are free in my country, so I didn't waste any money on them other than my school supplies, such as notebooks, pens, pencils, etc. If they weren't free, I surely wouldn't even be contemplating whether to continue my education or not.

Submitted April 13, 2020 at 08:50PM by Funicidal https://ift.tt/3cedhOR