Rampage: Private or public

Hi, I am f14 from a low income home with hispanic immigrant parents and just started freshmen year in high school and I'm completely lost right now. I went to public school for the whole time in elementary, but when I entered middle school, my parents, my mother in general decided to enroll me in this said private school, since my bigger sister (two years older than me) was already attending the school. It seemed a logic thing to do for me. Though it might not be a very huge deal, it was for my mom because since elementary my sister has excelled in class and actually the reason we ever got to the point of my sister attending this private school was because of her fourth and fifth grade teacher who saw much potential In her that she suggested and helped my mom with the whole process for applying to that school. My mom really really wanted my sister to go there for her future and good of her. She wants that for all six of her kids. My mom is originally from Guatemala and came here to the United States more than 10 years ago where she has tried make a life here, she comes from a very impoverished home and has many traumatic and unfair stories of her life. So I know how much she wants us, to achieve in our life. Continuing on with the process of applying, I remember it was a long process that took weeks and help of many people, specifically this girl in university at the time, who did almost everything for my mom because my mom doesn't really know English and was very lost on the process. she couldn't have done anything on her own. which I don't blame her. The lady helped my mom get financial support from the school where she paid less tuition than others ennrolled there. the average tuition a year, is 10 thousand a year but my sister's got reduced to only 1,500 a year and the extra cost of food and supplies(also had to pay that) Still a lot but not as much. Anyways, my sister got accepted and started middle school in that school. As for me, I was still in elementary at the time and continued my last years there until I completed fifth grade. I would not say I was a prodigy as a child but I will say that as my sister, I did good in school at that time and was considered smart. I honestly didn't feel very smart but I did well. I was supposed to go to this public school near but my mom heard numerous things about it that made her not want me to go. That summer after fifth grade my mom wanted me to go to the same school as my sister which also relied on much help and was also a long process. The same people helped us. I honestly don't remember how I felt but honestly I remember being curious about this school since I've seen it when my mom went to pick my sister up. I remember being intrigued by it. The process was the same as my sister's I'd say. When it was confirmed I was going my mom had to buy me many supplies and uniforms. I remember going to this thing where they show you around the school and tell you about the school more. that day was not a school day but a welcome day I could say. I remember thinking about the amount of white people there was. Not trying to be racist in any way. But it was a huge culture shock if I could say so, and just a shock in general. I felt out of place. Many of the people of that school have gone there since elementary and already knew each other. I also remember thinking how rich they were. I wouldn't say everyone is stacked up loaded with cash but I'd say many people there come from high-income homes. But to me back then it was as if the were on another planet as me. I wouldn't say people there are spoiled but they have their privileges and kind of ignorance of them. I remember the day of waiting outside in line for a shaved ice cone and eating it while everyone was getting along. Two kids came up to me and said hello and were the first ones to talk to me. A girl and a boy, The girl was very nice she seemed so lovely and she was. The boy was a bit shy but was also nice to me. They introduced themselves. And kind adopted me into their friend group. The first day I was so confused and kind of looking forward to a lot. It was a very pleasant school it seemed. The teachers were lovely and everything. But there was something I couldn't figure out. It felt fake every interaction. I don't know, even if they were welcoming it seemed off. I felt out of touch with everyone there. There was a lot. One shock I had was the way the students were smart. They were all the same level in understanding and doing well. In all my classes. In my old school I was considered smart with probably three other kids but it was as if someone grabbed the smart student from each class and put them all together. Sixth grade was okay. I struggled to keep up and do well in classes but I managed. Something that I think had an impact on my experience was my anxiety and introvertness. I barely talked in sixth grade and had trouble making friends. Some other things I noticed throughout middle school was the curiosity of people, I would constantly get asked where I was from and what language I spoke. I'd get ask by teachers and students. Id get ask what I was. "are you asian?""are you Mexican". Wasn't a huge deal and I didn't get offended but getting asked a lot was embarrassing to me at the time. I was socially awkward. And embarrassed of myself. I was embarrassed of my last name, my family, my household, I was embarrassed of how my mom couldn't speak English, I was embarrassed to go to events or go to someone else's house. I would try to hide that. I thought, what would they think of me? That soon turned into rage in 8th grade where I wasn't very focus on what others thought of me but instead they shouldn't think about me in that way. But I was still me and had a hard time. Hardest part was 7th grade. I feel like I've gotten off track so I'll try to get to the point. In 8th grade was the year I told my mom about how I hated being in that school. she wanted me to stay but I kept crying and begging for me to switch schools. I wanted to leave before 9th grade started. She didn't like it but she applied me to this public charter school where the rest of my siblings go. That summer I was thinking that I was going to that school and that I was done with the other school. It was taking too long to be accepted to that school that my mom applied for. So she told me to get ready to go to the same school. I was in denial and it was until last minute that I realized she was right. I cried and sobbed all night thinking about having to go to school the same morning. when it was morning I tried my best to reason with my mom to let me wait until I get accepted to the other school. I wasn't successful and went to school. My eyes were puffy and I was tired because I was only able to sleep 2 hours. Highschool there seemed alright but thinking of having to go there everyday didn't suit me. My mom tried and contacted the other school to see where in the admission process I was. They said I was very close but not yet. My Mom really really wanted me to stay. I feel like she feels that if I go to that school I have a better future. I don't even know anymore, since I barely do anything in that school. Unlike many who is in touch with the community and extracurriculars there, I don't do or participate in anything. This week I enter the public charter school and see a difference, it is more packed with students, the teachers care less and don't engage much with the lessons, the classes are more work than lessons, and other stuff. I honestly don't know anymore. My mom says there is still time to change schools but I feel like they are both the same. I think that they both have their pros and cons. But are the same level of hating towards them. I feel like the schools aren't even the problem but me. Also I feel pressured to achieve greatness and excel and already know what to do in life. I know I want to go to college, but I don't know anything else, I don't know what to focus on, I don't know what I should prep for, I don't know how anythings works, I see and read about how many young people go to great colleges and ivy leagues and have many accomplishments, while I can't even find a place to focus and do my work that is due in like 3 hours. I want to get good grades all highschool and not be in any trouble. How am I supposed to achieve that if I can't even sit down, and do my actual work, and be able to understand what im doing. I feel like I just started but already feel so drained and want this all to stop. Also my mom and I went to meet up with the director of the private school. He offered me to go this semester and if I don't like I can leave. that was last week. this week im attending the other school but I feel like I don't want to be in any of them. I feel like im just existing at this moment and lost my purpose.And now im in between if I go to the private school to public school cause im enrolled in both of them but if I switch to the private school back im behind like the public school academically, and I didn't even read the summer books I were supposed to read because I thought I wouldn't need to read them. If I change it has to be this week and I'll have to catch up and I don't know. I also feel like Ive been a headache to my mom and that her work would have been for nothing. also im not sure myself of what I want. Also my sister is always judging me trying to make me feel worse. I also got to consider my moms personal problems because right now w have a lot of situations and hardships mentally and physically. My mom is trying to gain full custody of us because my step dad has been horrible to my mother and has abused her in so many ways throughout the years. So currently we are in shared custody, weeks for mom, weekends for step dad. Since my mom has us most of the time, my step dad is supposed to help her with the costs of food, gas, essential needs. But he really doesn't help. Also, prior to the separation, my mom didn't work and just stayed at home with us and raised us, cooked, cleaned, and more. So when my step dad left he left her without anything. My mom was smart enough to save some money. She has been working now for us. She works cleaning. Also something that doesn't help is that my step dad has hired and done many things to make her life even harder. He has hired people to follow her, has hired people to hack her phone, he even recently payed to have her investigated. I don't know much of how it works but I know it was yesterday she had to go with her lawyer to whatever he payed for. I don't know how it went but considering she hasn't said anything, I'd say not very well. My step dad is just not a good person. I don't even know what I was going with this now I just know That my mom has worked very hard and she's the reason why we aren't starving. I feel like she's losing hope and I am very worried for her but it seems like I just disturb her. I just don't know how to help her. I want her to be happy. I want to get her out of her problems but I don't know how. I don't know what this post even is about anymore. I just don't know what im doing in life, and im tired.

Submitted August 27, 2024 at 03:53AM by I_Cattussy https://ift.tt/BkWHet7