I left college and now I want to Die. Can I go back?

Ever since my first month in an expensive state university, I was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD from my homelife before. I didn't have a car, money, or a very strong mental state. I worked really hard to get into college, and I worked hard in college for two years but after that, I fell into a deep depression because most of the "friends" I made only used me, and once the year ended, they all moved away and left me homeless. A few even offered to have me as a roommate only to pull the rug out from under me at the last minute just before school got out and announce they gave the room to someone else. I got along OK until a sports sedan hit my bike right off-campus. The frame broke in half, and I lived literally on the other side of town. to make things worse my theatre job started only putting me on for like 2 days a month, so I wasn't making any money at all. This is when the mood swings began, and once I got hurled out of my writing class by the jr. dean of admissions, I decided I wasn't going to finish school. NOTHING about college was fun. I hated every single day of it, and anyone who says they enjoyed it are very deranged people. Since leaving college, I don't miss any part of it. I have regrets, like majoring in English (big fucking mistake) but my misery went out the door and I immediately wrote 3 books, lived in a boarding house with a veteran, a travelling massage therapist, and an entomologist. However, it's been about five or six years now, I'm still writing, but my life sucks. I can't find a decent job. I never have enough money. I still don't have a car. I didn't have a smartphone until 2018. All the opportunities are factory, warehouse, fast food. I fucking hate it. My grades went to the shitter in the last few years too, so I doubt I can get back into school to study anything I'm interested in so I can actually get a decent job, move to a cool town, and have a good life. right now I'm surrounded by either old people or 13-year-olds in a meth stricken town that peaked in the 1860s. Most of the people my age are either crackheads or methheads. I hate it, and think I *should* be able to get back into school someday but idk. I fear I'm getting too old, and I really wouldn't know how to start. Everyone else my age has their happy little family, moved to a cool place, and has a job that pays them enough to make their wishes come true. I choose to pursue what I loved, and frankly, it brought me nothing but anguish from my loved ones. Oh yes, there is student loan debt. Knowing what I know now, I would never have even gone to college. You either need to have lots of money, want to be something like an engineer more than anything else in the world, or both. I just wanted to learn to write books. Apparently, that's enough to make me the scum of the earth. Meanwhile, they hand out degrees to people who never read a book in their lives. Can I go back? how? Would it even be worth it? Or should I just keep writing until I either make money or kill myself? Thanks.

Submitted September 27, 2021 at 09:18PM by vivacaligua1993 https://ift.tt/2XQyjkQ